In Need of Fashion Filter

One of the greatest dangers for the only child is an immense lack of self awareness.  Oh sure, only children are quite aware of themselves as the brilliant, capable centers of the universe that they are, but they lack that all important filter that lets them know when they're doing something that should embarrass the living daylights out of them.

For non-only-children, that filter is provided (readily, free of charge, and with no lack of glee) by siblings.  Only children obviously don't have that outer filter, so they must rely on a non-existent inner filter.  This is where things get messy.

You might be asking where conscience fits in all of this.  Well, just like everyone else, only children do have conscience to rely on, but that still, small voice of conscience, while helpful in discerning good from evil, usually provides little help in discerning really important questions, such as, "Will this outfit project an image of sanity or just the opposite?"

You also might ask about the presence of parental units.  I can speak only to my own experience, but, parents don't provide the same quality of soul-crushing honesty that siblings do.  No, quite the opposite.  Parents think that their kids are wonderful "just as they are" and that they "look great whatever they wear" and that "what's on the inside is what counts."

And, let's be honest, it's those kind of half truths that lead to disastrous consequences.  Case in point, the following photo:

The woman in blue is my mom.  Notice how knock-out gorgeous she is.  The two on either side of her are my uncle and aunt, her siblings.  Notice how great they both look, as if they had the type of constructive, sibling-based criticism that allowed them to dress and look like respectable people.

The kid in front is me.  Notice that I appear to be wearing a grocery sack.  A grocery sack with a belt, but, a grocery sack nonetheless.  I've paired it with white knee socks and tennis shoes.  To be fair, I'm not sure what the appropriate footwear is when one is wearing a belted grocery sack. 

I don't think that even Emily Post could've imagined this wardrobe scenario, so there's really no precedent.  But, I do think that, if I'd had a sister or a bratty brother, there is no stinking way I could have left the house wearing a grocery sack and tennis shoes.  That's the kind of outfit put together by a child who knows she's "perfect just as she is."  My obvious lack of embarrassment is plain to see, as I stand there, proud as anything, knowing that I am awesome.  

And, lest you question where my father was in all of this and why I couldn't consult him in matters of fashion, here you go:

This photo was taken a few years later, but, I think you can see that I was better off not taking fashion cues from my dad, who (though a very handsome man) apparently thought that mustache was a good idea.